A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FROM "BECOMING BETTER MEN"

"At those special times when our communities and families come together there are many people out there, both Men and Women, who are alone. Christmas Day is one of those occasions and for those who are alone on Christmas day, knowing that it is a special day makes the loneliness all the more unbearable".

See the full article at: http://becomingbettermen.blogspot.com/2011/12/christmas-it-can-be-lonely-for-some-but.html

WHAT IS THE VALUE OF HUMANITY AND WHY DO WE SQUANDER IT?

Think about this statement for a moment:

If there was another species on our planet that was as violent to humans as humans are to themselves, we’d hunt it down and bring it to the verge of extinction because that’s what we do – that’s what makes us human.

The utter failure of our existence is that this statement is true – and we all know it.

As a species, we humans squander every gift given us; all our natural advantages.

The human species has three distinct advantages over every other creature on this planet. Firstly, we have a concept of the future – we understand that tomorrow will come, we appreciate our own mortality and we can plan for things before they happen. This connects to our second great advantage, we can make choices. We have the ability to choose to do things by considering our options and making a conceptually informed decision. As such, our third great advantage is that we understand consequences – we can appreciate and accept that our choices have outcomes and we are responsible for those.

These great advantages enable a multitude of other innate gifts that sets us apart from most, if not all, other species. For example, through the gift of choice we have a great capacity for love, compassion, empathy – things we often describe as “our Humanity”. And as much as you might say that these aren’t choices – we do choose them in as much as we have the same ability to choose to hate, ignore and cast judgement.

The values of Western Democracy are premised on our great advantages and the natural gifts they nurture. This is made most evident in the American declaration of Independence that is synonymous with Western Liberal/Christian discourse and its’ belief in our innate ability to take responsibility for our own actions and care for the well being of others:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”.

It is from this high moral pedestal that we condemn global non-conformists such as the Islamic world for how they, according to this humane Liberal discourse, choose to live by archaic Medieval values and traditions that are infested by anti-humane sentiment.

Yes indeed, the Western world has established itself as the true pedigree of what it is to be ‘human’ – and we’ve built monuments, towers and bureaucracies to perpetuate this elaborate myth and convince ourselves that it’s all true.

Now I don’t consider myself to be in any way special or different to the people who live and work around me. In fact, I think I’m pretty ordinary. I live in a relatively benign city in a very deliberately benign western democracy. I have a fairly standard three bedroom home in the suburbs where I potter in the garden, host the occasional dinner party or bar-b-que, walk my dogs and watch television. I work in an office environment in what is, for the most part, a standard nine-to-five job. I shop, have the occasional beer, look forward to an annual holiday and I’m proud of my kids.

But I don’t know who any of my neighbours are. I know there are families on each side and at the back – but I have no idea who they are, what they do… what they even look like.

I know very little about the private/family lives of most of my work colleagues and I know they know just as little about me. I’m not even sure if any of us want to know more about each other.

And I trust no-one…

So why is that? Why do I feel as though I am unable to trust anyone? I mean, I’m a good person… aren’t I? For one, I have a profound belief in the notion of Karma; that is, that you get back what you radiate out. In that sense, I try to be honest, forthright, caring and empathetic, loyal and reliable. I believe that if I project these qualities to others – that’s what they’ll give me in return.

But humans aren’t like that, are they? One of my neighbours will always complain to local authorities about my dogs, that my teenager had one party in three years (for which he went around and warned the neighbourhood) and it was too noisy… but no-one never thought to come and discuss their concerns directly with me – in the decent, natural justice kind of way. And amidst my work colleagues there’s those who will always let me down on deadlines so that I look bad, ignore my directions, never lend a hand, engage in and perpetuate office gossip – and they will always be out there trying to belittle me behind my back – and for what purpose?

We kill each other, steal from each other, cheat on each other, lie to each other, perpetrate violence upon each other…

Why are we like that? What is it that enables us to ignore all the good choices we could potentially make and opt for the bad, ugly choices?

Ask yourself – as a species, what kind of footprint is humanity leaving behind? And as an individual, what kind of footprint are you choosing to leave behind?

Post a comment - tell us who you are.    

ENVIRONMENT FOCUS AND CLARITY: INGREDIENTS FOR ACHIEVING YOUR PURPOSE

The Environment we build around us can be our biggest barrier to achieving happiness, growth and authenticity. This is because it is a major determinant of our behaviour because our journey through it is intertwined with its design. It’s kind of like the lab-mouse in the maze we have built whereby the doorways, walls, and stairways determine which way the mouse travels and ultimately, the destination it reaches. In the same way, the environment we build for ourselves will always determine where we are going and where we end up. There is no denying that our environment plays a critical role in shaping our destiny.

So the best thing we can do with our environment is set about to create a sense of order about it. We need to learn to control and shape our environment – not let it control and shape us. Most critically, we need to draw on our imagination to create and build an environment that will best support our journey towards achieving our Life’s Purpose. We need to clear our path so that we can see where we are going.

Part of recreating our environment so as to create a clear and purpose-felt pathway to growth and authenticity is developing our focus. The more we develop our focus, the more we will see what it is that we want. If we are focused, our environment becomes less chaotic and confusing – more controlled and deliberate – and this further enhances the journey we are taking. The less confusion we experience, the more on path we can be.

Here’s a hint: confusion comes about when you try to figure out how you are going to get to your goal before you clearly know what your goal is.

Clarity is also an extremely important trait to bring into your environment. It helps when you find yourself stressed, confused and overwhelmed. When you are feeling like this, stop! Take a breathe… a little time out and ask yourself:

1. What is it I Really Want? What is my Purpose?

2. Where is it I need to go? Is it Clear to me?

3. How am I going to get there? Is my Environment right?

4. Who do I need to be?

This last point - Knowing who you are - stops you from identifying with the role you are playing and enables you to choose the roles and qualities in those you admire around you. This will not only allow you to stay firmly focused on your purpose, it will enhance it. It will help you know the type of person you need to be at every stage of your journey, enabling you to develop and hone those skills you require like an artist with wielding a brush. It enables you to create the Life you want to live.

FIND YOUR PURPOSE BUT ENJOY THE JOURNEY TOO

I would like you to start keeping a journal. I want you to start your journal by writing a list of things that you love doing or that you are passionate about. Once you have done this – and I don’t expect that you’ll cover everything in your first go – I want you to try and write down an indication of the direction you want your life to take – where do you want to go with it?

Finding your Purpose is one of the most important and critical aspects of seeking to live an Authentic Life. Finding and following your purpose is the best way that you can utilise all your unique gifts, talents and abilities to improve your place in the world – and to improve the world around you. So it is essential that you take a sharp focus on the direction you are headed, utilise your tremendous passion, and use your precious energy wisely to pursue your life’s purpose.

You will find that happiness doesn’t just reside in the ‘end point’ of achieving your purpose; it also and mostly lies in the enjoyment of the journey you take on the way to that destination. In other words, our the beauty of our purpose is not just about the goal we have set for ourselves; it is also about the journey we take to get there.

Along that journey there are things that we must accept, face or endure. These fit generally into three categories:

1. Accepting that we are responsible for our own creations. This is about owning the things we do, including those things we do wrong.
2. Facing Life’s challenges. I refer you back to my earlier post about How to be Authentic: First Steps. There I talk about the barriers of repression, projection, delusion and denial.
3. Enduring our suffering. In particular, the type of suffering that occurs because we have resisted the challenges that have been presented to us. 

In short, we need to learn how to realise and accept that both positive and negative experiences are there to help us grow and therefore feel more alive.

The path of least resistance is the path we must consciously choose to pursue growth. This will mean that we take on all the challenges that confront us head-on, doing so without fear and by living on the edge. My good friend John Ryan of the Savita Education Trust refers to this as “Flow”.

HOW TO BE AUTHENTIC: FIRST STEPS - An Introduction

Our actions affect those around us and largely determine how our life is shaped. It is important that we recognise and accept that we are inseparable from the events and situations in our life. When we see and appreciate our connection to the world around us, we can begin to understand the control that we actually have over our own destiny.

Integrity and Character go hand in hand:

Character is the sum total of the result of all the choices and decisions we have made in our lives to date. It is about the relationship that we have with ourselves that is projected outwardly for others to see.

Integrity is the measure used to express our adherence to the moral principles and core values that we have set for ourselves. This adherence is identified by others as honesty, wholeness, trustworthiness and respectability.

Combining these two critical traits and projecting a character that is elevated by a conviction to sound principles and wholesome values is indeed our only pathway to true happiness.

The important point to be made here is that, in Shakespearean terms, if we cannot be true to thy selves then we cannot be true to others.

In order to be true to ourselves we need to:

• Realise and embrace our connection to the world around us; to our Environment. But we need to do this not from an observational and separatist perspective bit from an entirely immersed and unified way that enables us to take total responsibility for our Life and actions.
• Love, honour and Respect ourselves for the amazing beings that we are and to live up to our Integrity measures: our core Values, Principles, Ideals and Truths.

Another critical part of being true to ourselves is recognising that because our connection to the world largely determines how our life is shaped, we often try and fight against that connection rather than accept or even embrace it. We tend to do this in four primary ways:

• Repression: we put our efforts into push our experiences back. A good example of this is the proverbial “hiding our problems under the carpet” cliché.
• Projection: we choose to project negative or avoidance qualities onto the people around us. This is often exemplified as blame – “They didn’t give me the job although I was best qualified because they didn’t want someone who was male/black/short/gay/straight/etc”; i.e. it can’t have been anything you had done.
• Delusion: we ignore reality and opt to live in a make believe world manifested from misguided beliefs and perceptions. The most extreme end example of this is the stereotypical conspiracy theorist who believes they are best to withdraw and disengage from society because ‘someone’ is out to get them.
• Denial: we refuse to face Truths or Reality about the segments of our Lives and of our Selves that we feel are undesirable. This is the major single cause of mental and psychosomatic illness. Denial is like lying to ourselves.

Let’s conduct a small exercise. I want you grab some paper and a pen (if you keep a Journal which I recommend you so – use that). Now I want you to ask yourself “What is it in my Life That I am Not Facing?”

Write down all the ideas, thoughts and feelings that go running through your head as you contemplate this.

Now sit back, read and interrogate what you have written. Are you ready to discover what it is in Life that is holding you back? Are you ready to accept that most of it is probably, most likely, to be YOU? Are you willing to take the required steps to address this – to become an agent of change?

Remember, it takes courage to face your self-doubts, anxieties and fears. But the only solution is to face them head on. Stop procrastinating. Move towards resolving your self-doubts, anxieties and fears and you will be unstoppable.

TWELVE GREAT PRINCIPLES TO ADD TO YOUR LIFE

As promised, this post provides examples of some great principles that I believe you can add to your life to help you on your journey of growth.

I recommend that you incorporate these principles into your everyday life and document any changes you experience in a journal that can become a testimony to your growth and change.

1.       Appreciate the positive qualities of the Masculine. It is time for you to step up and claim the right to be present. You should be proud to be a man and you should always maintain a high self worth that is not limited by what others may think or by why you perceive others may think.

2.       Be aware of any suppression of your emotion. Be determined to drive yourself beyond your limits while maintaining realistic expectations that encourage you towards success. It’s time to let go of the shackles of fear, failure and inadequacy.

3.       Be present with other Men who are going through life challenges. Get in touch with your feelings and develop your ability to communicate. Do not be afraid to express your needs and always be open to asking others for assistance. Accept Heartfelt Challenges from those around you and use those challenges to advance your cause.

4.       Open yourself up in times of challenge and confrontation or when you are feeling hurt or upset. Let go of your insecurities, shame and self-doubts. Accept that there is no need to hide anymore.

5.       Begin looking deeper within yourself and be willing to show and share intense emotions. Learn how to manage your anger and frustration in healthy ways without loss of power or sense of being weak.

6.       Become Authentic!!! Uncover your sense of purpose and direction and develop your passion, fulfilment, satisfaction and enthusiasm for life. You can do this just by being you.

7.       Stop feeling threatened or intimidated when confronted by the Feminine. Learn how to mutually respect, appreciate and celebrate the differences that femininity presents.

8.       Empower yourself as a Man, engage actively in relationships, stand firm in disagreements, and engage in an open, non-competitive, non-threatening manner to seek mutual understanding and connection.

9.       Discover the Sacredness in Sexuality. Learn how to open your heart to an expanded state of consciousness, a deep meaningful connection, and learn how to circulate the energy created there.

10.   Develop your playfulness and humour, laugh at yourself, laugh out loud, lark around, tell a joke and enjoy life in all its frivolity.

11.   Remember your innate ability to “Tinker” and start a project that has no tangible productive output.

12.   Unveil the Power of the Masculine, that Raw Masculine energy, The Wild Man, The Savage and unleash it in Sport, Drumming, Sound, Posture and Movement.

MEN GROW THROUGH HEARTFELT CHALLENGE

I believe that the first steps towards achieving a pathway to Authenticity include:

• Taking responsibility for ourselves and the consequences of our actions, words and thoughts;
• Understanding true masculinity and learning how to be present as a Man;
• Constantly redefining and pursuing our own life’s purpose and directing our precious energies in that endeavour;
• Networking with other men and openly talking about quality life issues;
• Playing an active and positive role in empowering our communities.

In the next Post I will talk about some great principles that you can add to your life to help facilitate positive growth and change. These principles, used in conjunction with some of the information you’ve already read on this Blog, will really help ‘kick start’ your journey towards being an Authentic Man.

However, today I want to focus on one of the most critical tools for change you are ever likely to encounter:

HEARTFELT CHALLENGE.

“It is a heartfelt challenge to awaken to your True Identity which is more wonderful than any of us can imagine, easier to see than anything in the world, and the paradigm of sanity and health” (D. Harding, 1998).

In his first letter, the Apostle Peter sent a Heartfelt Challenge to remind hard-pressed Christians of their rich identities in Christ, and to encourage them to face their sufferings with ‘Christlike’ character.

Now you don’t have to be a Christian or have Christian ideals to appreciate the sentiment expressed by Peter in his letter. A Heartfelt Challenge is one given in love and sincerity with the intent to help facilitate growth and purpose.

It is a challenge given by someone who wants to help you become the best version of yourself that you can be.

And the important thing about a Heartfelt Challenge is that, as is evident by Apostle Peter’s example, you know that the person making it would willingly walk the same path with you should you accept their challenge.

This is important because if we look back on our lives we, as Men, know that our biggest moments of growth occurred at a time when we were challenged to the very core of our existence – pushed to the very edge of our ‘comfort zone’. The death of a loved one, a personal crisis, the experience of living through a natural disaster, the loss of a career or business – these types of events often lead to the biggest and most dramatic changes in our lives and it is often from these changes that we undergo our most significant moments of growth.

A Heartfelt Challenge provides the same possibility but in a supported and encouraged way. A Heartfelt Challenge should still see you pushed to your ‘edge’, making you step outside your ‘comfort zone’ to face new and often frightening possibilities (opportunities). The difference is that you face the challenge knowing that you are not alone – that someone has cared enough about you to commit to walking alongside you and sharing in your growth experience. History has shown that Men respond in powerful and meaningful ways when confronted with a Heartfelt Challenge.

REMEMBER: MEN GROW THROUGH HEARTFELT CHALLENGE

So how should we respond when given the opportunity of a Heartfelt Challenge?

Here are some basic tenets:

• See every challenge in life as an opportunity to grow;
• Have the courage to face your fears;
• Become a Master of change;
• Praise, inspire, and act from strength firmly focused in the Heart;
• Have an open mind and be responsible for your words, thoughts and actions;
• Be aware that our perception is limited and that there are always greater possibilities waiting to be claimed;
• Be kind to yourself, smile, and re connect to life;
• Know that your life is your creation.

OUR CHOICES: THEY CAN HAVE UNLIMITED POTENTIAL OR THEY CAN TIE US DOWN

We all wear Masks.

We wear our Mask in everything we do and every time we communicate with those around us – even those closest to us: our partners and loved ones.

Generally our Mask is made up of our life experiences, our education and our upbringing; and it exists as a representation of how these three factors have shaped our perception of life.

We use our Mask to communicate to the world around us, to radiate a misconception of who we truly are and as such; our Mask becomes our primary excuse for avoiding our responsibilities and not fulfilling our purpose in this life. It becomes something we hide behind.

What would it be like if we could remove our Masks? What would it be like if we could communicate as men from the heart in an inspired way?

Let us look at this a little deeper by asking ourselves; “how can we be truly Authentic?”

The true answer to this can be a little disheartening; we can never be truly authentic – it is an unattainable goal.

However, we can pursue a path that enables us to become more and more Authentic in our Life; to strive for personal growth, to expand our horizons of experience and knowledge, and to aim at becoming the best version of ourselves that we can be. 

But we need to learn how to remove our Mask/s and wear only ourselves so that this becomes the representation of who we are in the world. If we do this, then our ‘True Face’, used in the correct way, can become a powerful tool that we can use to communicate with others, experience massive growth potential and fulfil our own life’s purpose. In this sense, our True Face becomes our primary vehicle of expression.

But even if we are wearing our True Face, our growth and who we continue to be is still determined by our experiences, education and perception of life. In this sense, even our own True Face can become a Mask: a static and false representation of who we are.

Look around you at the most authentic men you know – even they sometimes get caught up in the notion that their True Face is their the sole expression of who they are and that all that they can ever be is stated in that fixed image in time. In other words, even the best of us fall into the trap of allowing our projected selves to be expressed through the misrepresentation of a Mask.

So as much as we strive for authenticity, we must always be aware that if we do not keep ourselves in check, we may only be discarding one set of Masks for another. Therefore, in our eternal quest to be as authentic as we can be; we need to remain vigilant and be aware that the pathway to being authentic is not as straight, narrow and illuminated as we might like it to be.

Our biggest challenge in our quest to be as authentic as we can be is that with every step we take we have CHOICES. This is what sets us apart from all other living things – that as humans we understand consequence and can make choices in relation to those potential consequences. And as much as having the ability to make consequential choices is something that we should embrace as a gift, we should never forget that this gift can limit our possibilities too.

One Men’s Group facilitator I spent time with a while back used to tell us that “Awareness gave us Choice, and this was a great and powerful thing”. In many ways he is right. If we lose our Masks and allow ourselves to masters of our own destiny (in other words, if we become aware) then it stands to reason that we can now make sensible and informed choices about our growth potential – our pathway to becoming our most authentic selves.

The only problem with this position is that it relies on the assumption that in our state of ‘awareness’, we will always make sensible and powerful choices – the right choices. And here lies the problem. Do you see it?

With every choice we make there is a different consequence – and each consequence requires a different response. And how have we always responded to the consequences of our choices in the past? By putting on our Masks.

I’m sorry – the road to becoming as authentic as you can be was never meant to be easy and anyone who tells you it is is misguided themselves.

But while the road is not smooth, straight, narrow and sign-posted; it is not impossible to follow either. We can make choices and still wear our True Face – we just have to constantly reflect upon ourselves and the choices we make; and we should always look to those around us who offer to support us through heartfelt challenge.

In summary, we need to know that:

• Our choices can and do provide new opportunities for growth and change;
• But those same choices can also limit our opportunities for growth and change;
• However, it is not our choices that limit us but rather, the way we respond to them or apply them to our daily lives;
• If we express our choices with our True Face on, the potential for growth and change is limitless;
• If we express our choices behind the façade of a Mask, we inhibit our potential;
• The ultimate choice we have in making our choices is deciding whether we proceed wearing our True Face or a Mask.

Here is a simple rule to help guide you:

Anything expressed through a Mask is superficial

Anything expressed wearing our True Face is sincere, honest, heartfelt and has unlimited potential.

And you do want to make choices that are sincere, honest, heartfelt and have unlimited potential don’t you?